mrbman

Testing

2009-10-02T16:20:00.000+08:00

Sad and Unsure

2006-06-21T01:45:00.000+08:00

Much has happened lately and I begin to question my own future. I had not gave much thought as I was afraid. Afraid of the things to consider. As the years pass by, there shall be a time that I have to really plan my own future. And the time has come.

It is rather difficult to do this, as my future will be affected and will also affect the people around me. First and foremost, my life partner, and next would be my parents, and may also affect the lives of my siblings too.

She is starting to get difficult as the time passes by and the longer we are together. Perhaps that is the same as most couples? Why do people change? And why do people like to control so much? So much so to make sure that the other party does what he or she is being directed to do and in the exact manner as directed. Why is there a need to compel?

I am really afraid. Afraid to make the decision. Afraid to make the commitment. Should it be this way? Must it be this way? More importantly, must the decision be made? Perhaps I should not waste any more time. Why must life be so grueling?

Dreams

2006-05-25T15:47:00.000+08:00

I am unsure why I kept having recurring dreams about her. I rarely had dreams, ever since I got the dream catcher from my friend. I know that it is kind of weird to believe in that the dream catcher works, but I rarely had dreams since.

However, dreams are almost an everyday occurrence in my sleep. I kept having dreams, some recurring, some unique, but all revolves around her... Is there some truth in that if I think of her during the day I would be dreaming about her in my sleep? Then again, it is exactly because I kept dreaming about her that makes me think of her.

It really does not make sense. I really hope that I have better sleep in the night, without her. Or so I hope?

She

2006-05-05T02:03:00.000+08:00

She is always on my mind. She is the most caring, understanding, self-less and most compassionate lady that I have met and probably will ever meet. She never gave me problems, only the other way around. She never gets mad, upset maybe, but never more than a day. She makes me laugh, makes me feel so loved, and makes me wanting to love her as much. She is an angel.

She is like my other half. She is smart, clever, intelligent and sensitive. She knows, and still wants to understand. She tries to please, and tried her very best to make me happy. She is noisy, but I never really got mad at the clatter. She talks a lot, I listen a lot. I have tried to make her happy too, but I was not sure if I am truly happy.

She loves me, she loves me, she truly loves me. In fact she is madly in love with me. She likes to be with me, as long as ever, maybe even longer than ever. She gave her everything to me, and hoped to have my everything. We needed time, I needed time, and I wanted her to have more time. Patience is the word, but is something she does not possess. I tried very hard, but the harder I tried, the worst I felt.

I love her, I love her, I am so madly in love with her. Time was short, and so was everything. She is the most passionate and the one closest to my heart without even knowing it. She loves me, but she loves him more. Or maybe she just loves him and no one else. She cries, I cry. She laughs, I laugh. To the person I loved most, ever. Once in heaven, next stop is hell. What goes up, probably have to come down.

Was it love? Was it fate? Was it responsibility? Or something worse? My senses do not work on her, for I do not really understand her. Everything is an unknown and there can be no foretelling. She thinks she knows me, but even I do not even know who I am. I am lost, so lost without directions and no confidence. She has a dream, and I have my dream. And only one can be realized.

She is always there. She was gone, but she is still there. Is there any more of her? Is there an end? Or it is an end? Or is it a start? With her, I do not even have any sense. I make no sense, but she has every sense of it. She makes sense of everything but in essence, there is no me. There is something that I cannot tell, and I do not know if she feels, and if she knows. She is there. She is not there. There she is… There she goes… I will always be there and she knows. If she knows.

Been Some Time...

2006-04-20T23:06:00.000+08:00

It has certainly been something since I have last made an entry. Well, I have been real busy these days, with my own start-up and everything. Doing your own software development is one thing, but there are also the financial aspects of your business.

So, like I was saying, other then being involved in doing your own core business activities, you have to spare some time for administrative activities such as book keeping (which I am real lousy at it) and government-related administration.

Of course it is ideal that you do these administrative stuff daily, if possible... But it is always not really possible, and so I inevitably leave it till end of the financial year. That is why I have to "re-learn" book keeping, although it is very simple and easy. But it takes like one or two days to clear an entire year's worth of receipts and invoices, etc. It can be mentally challenging, making sure one equals to one and two makes two...

Rather, being a software developer, I think that I should work out something simple for myself and keep to it... And perhaps sell that same solution to my peers and make a buck or two!

Thoughts

2005-08-18T04:17:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately... It would seem that time have finally caught up with me, and I find myself no a teenage anymore but an adult. I have to think like an adult, or at least try to think like one.

It scares me to ponder back the many problems that I have faced and also those problems that I may face in future. Lives of my parents, sisters and friends have been a great source of experience for me, as if they are books where a wealth of knowledge is there available for me to learn. Yet, these books come and go... and as times goes by, the words starts to fade, and I find little time to myself to make their experiences mine.

Though an unwilling student, I know that I have to face these problems sooner or later... Most of the time, the sooner the better. So that I can better handle such problems when history repeats itself.

There are also things to let go. I have learnt that I have changed a great deal over the years. My taste have changed. My thinking have changed. My wardrobe have changed. Sometimes these changes happened without much thinking, my approval subconsciously given. Till one sits back and really look around...

Am I afraid? You bet, I'm petrified! I can only try to get lucky. Or at least hoping.

The Road Less Travelled

2005-06-30T02:11:00.000+08:00

Today marks the last day of my career life as an employee, for I shall be stepping into the unknown from 1st July 2005. My good friend, Diane, asked if I am excited. Apprehensive is the first word that comes to my mind... even though I might have already half forgotten the meaing of that word... For you people out there...

Apprehensive (from dictionary.com) adjective
1. Anxious or fearful about the future; uneasy
2. Capable of understanding and quick to apprehend

I may not be as self-motivated and neither as self-controlled I would like myself to be... or what my friends perceived me to be... but since I am out in the jungle on my own now, I shall try not but do it... so as to survive. Would I leave a legacy? I hope so... but more importantly, I hope to pass on my knowledge on this path less trodden to many more... even if I should failed... so that people in my country have some inside and clear knowledge of what this path entrails... what animals lurked... and what fruits that can be found...

Then again, however, if there is a chance, I would like to work for an MNC overseas for a year or two. Not that I am running away from my dreams... this is to widen my horizon, broaden my knowledge and hon my skills. After that... shall be full force ahead with my ultimate aim: To create my own empire!

A Short Note

2005-05-15T03:01:00.000+08:00

It has been days, that I have been thinking. Or rather, truth be told, that years it should have been. I wonder if there are as many people out there who are as self-conscious as I am. At this level of consciousness, one is knowing what one's action entails and what fruits it bears. Most of the times I wonder perhaps.. I am very much mistaken... that everyone is as conscious. That everyone is not living in a dream. That everyone is not living in a world what they want to see, but a world that they see. A world that they breath in. That rains. The world changes, and everyone notices the change. Or do they?

I may have no answer to the question as even if the question is put forward, can an answer be honestly given? Will it be the truth? Or the truth that they think is true? How shall one be known? Unless the person is there, and is doing so. Having saw the way, and is walking on it?
Is there a way in? Is there a way out? Why would one be in? Why would one be out? Is it good? Is it bad? How would one know?

First but not Last

2005-04-13T07:50:00.000+08:00

Well, well... I am following my friend meticulous-08 around blogging everywhere... She had complained that I have been missing for months now... So before she makes a police report, I had better start blogging...

It has been months since I have last blogged... (what a word!) Have been busy, working on my very first major project... It is tough and I have not really anticipated the kind of committment you have to... Time management is of essence here, something which I am not been very good at.

Not much have happened since then... Except one of my best friends had returned to Singapore, after completing his Masters in Japan, only to find him going flying back soon for he found himself a decent job... Well, I am sad at his imminent departure, but I am glad that he found a reallt decent job... not to mention back to his Japanese girlfriend, and so no long-distance relationship...

Allow me to wish him the very best... and hope that he do drop by Singapore to pay his old friends a visit from time to time...